Oregon Trail
by Vicki Vance
Summary: I played the Oregon Trail game, named my people after SW people, and went bonkers with the diary part of the game.


THE OREGON TRAIL.

By Vicki Vance

I played the Oregon Trail game, named my people after SW people, and went bonkers with the diary part of the game. Naughty humor abound! The initial writings of the entries are what the computer puts in, but after that it's me. Pretty freaky, huh?

Rated PG-13. Would be R if I didn't sensor myself.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. In fact, when it comes to legal matters, since I'm a minor, I'm basically considered half-baked, or so my German teacher claims…

April 30, 1848 

Here begins the journal of Claude, formerly a pharmacist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our large farmwagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek. 

I hope that the following skills will prove of some use along the trail: medical, botany. 

May 1, 1848 

Took advantage of the package deal offered to me. What a relief not to have to shop for all that individually! 

Purchased 10 5-lb. tins of biscuits, 10 pounds of butter, 3 pounds of celery, 4 10-lb. sacks of cornmeal, 2 5-lb. tins of crackers, 3 10-lb. sacks of dried beans, 4 5-lb. tins of dried bread, 4 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit, 4 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables, 1 16-oz. jar of honey, 1 1-lb. jar of licorice, 1 16-oz. tin of maple syrup, 2 20-lb. sacks of potatoes, 10 pounds of salt pork, 2 1-lb. tins of smoked salmon, 3 30-lb. kegs of vinegar. 

Purchased 4 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 2 16-oz. bottles of castor oil, 1 12-oz. bottle of epsom salts, 5 16-oz. bottles of isopropyl alcohol, 4 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 1 16-oz. bottle of olive oil, 9 gallon jugs of whiskey. 

Purchased 5 boxes of 20 bullets, 10 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 1 rifle. 

Purchased 10 oxen. 

Purchased 2 spare ox yokes. 

Purchased 2 dozen candles, 2 10-lb. jars of grease, 1 harmonica, 2 30-yard spools of mending yarn, 1 mirror, 4 5-lb. sacks of tobacco. 

Purchased 8 blouses, 2 bonnets, 6 pairs of boots, 4 dresses, 6 pairs of long underwear, 6 pairs of mittens, 4 pairs of pants, 2 petticoats, 6 raincoats, 4 shirts, 2 skirts, 6 winter coats, 6 winter scarves. 

Purchased 10 water kegs. 

Nooned late today not far from Blue River. 

Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. 

Arrived at Westport. 

Here I am, doing stuff. Shopping like my wife, Mildred. I'm with a whole bunch of otherwordly folk. Very strange names. The one young man is unnaturally attractive, even to me as a guy. His eyes are so blue... and I get lost in them... sigh... 

Mildred can stuff it. 

We're at a river. 

It's wet. 

No more river. 

A little drier. 

May 2, 1848 

Saw New Santa Fe, sight is most reassuring. 

I can't believe I wrote that. What a stupid thing to say. "New Sante Fe, blah blah blah". I guess I'll have to stop smoking that wacky tobacky. 

May 4, 1848 

Encamped a while near Lone Elm. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 196 pounds of meat. 

May 5, 1848 

I shot some stuff. It was fun. 

Kikel did a strange animal dance where he continually chanted, "I play better dominoes than you" and he made brain and kidney pie. Only Obi-Wan ate it, and he'd been told that it was apple pie with cheddar cheese. He didn't feel too good when he learned what he'd REALLY eaten. 

Yaddle talks backwards. She seems awfully green... and small... and gnomish... 

Rita's been blue recently. Actually, she always seems blue... 

May 7, 1848 

Shit. 

We're stuck in the --cking mud. I dumped the bacon, because we're kosher. 

Well, we can always hunt... 

kill. Kill. KILL!!! 

May 11, 1848 

We're still stuck. I'm bored. We keep dumping the meat the milk spilled onto because we're kosher.

I had this dream last night where this woman came to me. She was scantily clad in very fine silks and she caressed me everywhere. I woke up in the mood for action, but it was only Kikel. 

May 12, 1848 

Still here. 

No more dreams. I'm not sleeping by that red-head anymore. Now it's Obi-Wan that says he's being felt up by banthas in his dreams. I think we should tie up Kikel at night. 

May 13, 1848 

Still stuck in the mud. 

We tied up Kikel last night. No one was groped, although he said he had a dream about going to a "place of ladies" and "wanging his willy". I do not understand his ravings sometimes. Perhaps some laudanum would be in order. 

May 14, 1848 

The wagon got stuck in the mud. Had to double-team the animals. 

Today we saw Blue Mound. What a sight! 

OH THANK YOU GOD!!! 

We got out of the mud. 

Laudanum is a blessed thing. Kikel's out like a light. 

Morale has gone up. 

May 18, 1848 

Saw eagles today near Kansas River. What majestic creatures! 

Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. 

"Majestic creatures"? 

I scored with a hot broad today. Kikel is jealous, even though he's never even seen a proper woman. Yaddle's old and wrinkled and Rita's pretty, but she so... well... blue. 

Qui-Gon said something wise today. He said, "If you can't say something nice, say something vague." How true. 

May 19, 1848 

Passed the hundred mile mark today. 

Woopty-do.

May 20, 1848 

Heard some gunfire in the distance near Saint Mary's Mission. Much concern all around. 

Kikel blames it on the nuns.

I wonder who's loose. I'll kill him. I wouldn't mind killing him. I'll kill him if you want. Please say you want me to kill him. Cause I'll kill. I'd love to kill him. Please let me kill him. 

Qui-Gon said something wise. He said, "Sod the nuns. They can take care of themselves. They're packing oozies and other stuff like that. They're probably better fighters than Kikel." 

To which Kikel replied, "What the --ck are you talking about old man?!" To which Qui-Gon replied, "Old man, ha! You are an uncultured ruffian!" "Ruffian, ha!..." 

May 21, 1848 

Made an early start this morning; passed Red Vermillion River. 

Approached Scott Spring today. Some people in our wagon train are very tired of the journey. 

Paid bridge toll. That sucks. 

Today, Qui-Gon said, "The life of a Jedi, (whatever that is) is difficult. So if you can, take the bridge." 

So very wise.... 

Scott Spring. Obi-Wan says he ought to have roots here. I don't really understand what he means by that. He keeps saying he's from Coruscant, (whatever that is) and he really should be from Scotland. The ambivalence drives him to his Master.

May 23, 1848 

Arrived at Alcove Spring. 

Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Big Blue River. 

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go. 

It's wet. 

We all went skinny dipping. Somebody peed in it. We all think it was Kikel. He insists it was a deer. 

It's like the ocean, the big blue wet thing. Only this is the big blue river. Clever. 

May 24, 1848 

Commenced early today; saw St. Joseph Road Junction. 

Nobody's dead yet. I like it. 

May 26, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 199 pounds of meat. 

blood… Blood… BLOOD…

May 28, 1848 

Terrible fog during the early part of the day. We chose to slow down. 

It reminds me of France. 

Fog's everywhere. 

Frogs everywhere. 

Rita's clothing is so damp it clings to her body. Kikel's on her like white on rice. 

May 29, 1848 

Wae slewed doon in thuh fug. 

See, that was Scottish talk that Obi-Wan is so akin to. Weirdo. 

Qui-Gon said, "He who laughs last thinks slowest." We all laughed, except for Kikel. It took him a few moments, but he got it. I wasn't really all that surprised. 

May 30, 1848 

Arrived at The Narrows. 

May 31, 1848 

Kikel has typhus. We're hoping to administer laudanum. 

Laudanum to the rescue!

June 6, 1848 

Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of 'The Coast of Nebraska'. 

What coast? I don't see no coast. 

Kikel's still sick. :'( 

We all love him. We really do. That dream I had was the greatest ever. Obi-Wan's worried like he always is, Rita wants to keep away from the ill cause they have cooties, Yaddle doesn't give a damn, and Qui-Gon said, "We should do what the Eskimos (whatever that is) do with their old and sick. They take them outside their igloos in the middle of the night and let nature do the rest." 

Kikel doesn't like this plan. 

June 7, 1848 

Today we saw Fort Kearny. How sublime it appears by moonlight. 

Purchased 4 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables. 

Purchased 3 boxes of 20 bullets. 

Purchased 10 10-lb. sacks of salt. 

Purchased 1 blanket. 

Traded 4 pairs of socks for 2 10-lb. sacks of flour. 

I love Sublime.

That was a good rest. I loved every long and tedious hour of it. Why, when one person is sick, everyone else has to wait around too?! What the hell?!?! 

I counted sixty-seven flies today. That's how bored I am. All of them swarmed toward Obi-Wan. Kikel insisted no one should alert him to it. If he gets sicker, it's no more knock-out stuff for Kik. 

This town seems awfully French... 

A man offered his wing-ding to us. Obi-Wan wanted to accept, but Kikel stopped him. Smart kid. 

June 13, 1848 

We're still going. We're gonna cross the mountains asap and we'll be A-OK. 

Qui-Gon said, "What the hell do yer mean there ain't no more uh that wacky tobacky?!" 

He was drunk at the time. 

June 14, 1848 

Bad storm today--rain, wind, and lightning something fierce! We decided to wait for conditions to improve. 

June 15, 1848 

Faced a buffalo stampede today and decided to go hunting. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 185 pounds of meat. 

Saw Plum Creek today. 

I met a man named Jubilation Higgenbottom. Kikel was on him like white on rice. Obi-Wan liked him too. They share strange names. Obi-Wan Kenobi, the pale tampon that got mixed up with Barbie's boyfriend, and Higgenbottom... who... er... 

Kikel's back up to speed. We're all praying to God that he loses his spunk soon. 

Killing is so relaxing… like opium.

June 17, 1848 

A girl lost her pet cat Molly.

Molly will never be seen again. 

Kikel says he ate her, but I think he only sticks with buffalo brains and kidneys. Besides, he'd share the feast with everyone else. 

June 21, 1848 

After much travail, we came to O'Fallon's Bluffs. 

Went through the Sand Hills. Lots of hills. Not much sand. 

Saw Jubilation 'Juley' again. Grrrrr... 

June 25, 1848 

From our guidebook, estimated we would reach South Platte River today, and sure enough, there it was! 

Decided to ford the river. 

We didn't get stuck in the mud. 

Hallelujah! 

June 26, 1848 

Today we have traveled 500 miles. 

Found ourselves at Ash Hollow this day. Got a nasty splinter in my thumb, but extracted it without too much difficulty. 

And it was fun. 

Every moment. 

Flies, hunger, gross food, stinky unbathed bodies... 

Kikel loves it. 

Obi-Wan cries for his mommy. 

Qui-Gon said, "Shut up, you child." 

Rita said, "Look what I can do!" We never found out, because we always neglect her. 

Yaddle sneezed. We were amazed that she still existed. 

June 27, 1848 

I have that Mexican Hat Dance song stuck in my head. I was humming it and now Kikel wants to kill me. Qui-Gon said, "He who sings the Mexican Hat Dance song shall not liveth long enough to have Kikel's famous apple pie with cheddar." 

I continued to hum VERY loudly. 

June 30, 1848 

We found some wild vegetables and decided to gather while continuing. 

We gathered 6 pounds. 

Reached another prominent landmark today: Courthouse and Jail Rocks. 

The Jail is a rockin' place. 

Get it? Rock? Cause it's a rock and it look like a jail and it's rock... 

nevermind... 

July 1, 1848 

Arrived at Chimney Rock, despite some 'help' from Nicholas J. Tillman. 

Is it compensating for something? 

Kikel said, "It's just like mine..." 

Obi-Wan stared at it for a while and finally said, "Hey! It looks just like a thingy!" 

Qui-Gon said, "Funny, because I have a thingy that's shaped just like a chimney!" 

Obi-Wan was impressed and has been spending much more time with his "Master" since that statement... 

July 3, 1848 

Today we drove our wagons and teams past Scotts Bluff. 

Another step on the trail; today we reached Robidoux Pass Trading Post. 

Purchased 1 10-lb. sack of onions. 

Obi-Wan said, "I am a fish." We all thought he'd gone nuts, but he said he was making a joke. "Scott's Bluff. Get it? Huh? You get it?" 

We didn't get it. 

July 4, 1848 

It is Independence Day and we're going to continue. 

Kikel decided to celebrate. So we did. He can really throw a good party. I mean, he set up something called a 'disco ball'. I mean, how did he find such a wonderful thing in the middle of nowhere? 

We celebrated and accidently killed some passing buffalo. We had a good dinner. 

July 6, 1848 

As expected, we made it to Laramie River today. 

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go. 

Reached Fort John. 

Purchased 1 25-lb. keg of pickles. 

Went shopping. 

Kikel got dolled up. 

Obi-Wan didn't get it. 

Yaddle liked it. 

Rita giggled. 

Qui-Gon said, "He's just like Hugo Weaving." 

July 7, 1848 

Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Register Cliff. 

Kikel wanted to register as a legal bearer of arms. Qui-Gon said, "That's just the name of the –-cking cliff, you moron!"

July 11, 1848 

Reached Ayers Natural Bridge. Strangely beautiful country. 

July 13, 1848 

It's hot. 

Kikel likes it. 

"Makes the ladies hot." he says. 

I gave him a smack off side the head. He deserved it. 

The music sounds like aliens... We're not alone in the universe. 

Qui-Gon said, "That's what I've been TRYING to tell you, Earthling!" 

July 14, 1848 

Near North Platte River, had a wagon train meeting to discuss our current circumstances. 

Decided to ford the river. 

Stopped at noon near Mormon Ferry Trading Post and rested from our morning?s labors. 

Purchased 10 pounds of butter, 1 20-lb. sack of potatoes. 

Heard some gunfire in the distance near Emigrant Gap. Much concern all around. 

Kill the Emigrants. Kill them all.

July 15, 1848 

There was a wedding in camp today not far from Willow Springs. A joyous occasion in the wilderness! 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck. 

It's hot. 

I think I'll go kill something. 

July 17, 1848 

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Independence Rock. 

The rock is free. 

Kikel rejoiced for it. 

Everyone stared at him. 

I pretended I didn't know him. 

Who? 

July 18, 1848 

Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Devil's Gate. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 66 pounds of meat. 

Devil's Gate? 

Obi-Wan is holding Qui-Gon's hand. He says he's scared, but I'm thinking otherwise. 

Windy. 

WE SHOULD QUIT LISTENING TO THAT –-CKING KNOW-IT-ALL MR. TILLMAN!!!

July 19, 1848 

We found some wild fruit and decided to gather while continuing. 

We gathered 11 pounds. 

July 20, 1848 

Nooned near Split Rock. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat. 

Divorce is so ugly. 

July 21, 1848 

We were fortunate to happen upon some wild vegetables. We will gather while continuing. 

We gathered 12 pounds. 

July 22, 1848 

Happened upon a fresh grave near Three Crossings. A reminder of the hazards we all face on this journey. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 17 pounds of meat. 

Obi-Wan said, "But there's always two, a Master and an Apprentice. Was he a Master, or an Apprentice?"

To which Qui-Gon cleverly replied, "They're not Jedi you dumb--ck!" 

July 23, 1848 

Saw some Indians in the distance not far from Sweetwater River. No incident, but some concern. 

Decided to ford the river. 

Not sweet to me... Tastes like regular H2O.

July 24, 1848 

Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front. 

Passed Ice Spring Slough today. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 40 pounds of meat. 

Quicksand! 

Obi-Wan's scared. He cried like a baby. Qui-Gon had to spank him. 

Even Kikel was speechless. 

What ice? 

July 27, 1848 

We tipped the wagon and lost 6 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 2 pounds of coffee beans; 3 10-lb. sacks of dried beans; and various other items. 

Our wagon tipped over. We lost 3 pounds of bacon; 2 pounds of coffee beans; 1 coffee mill; 1 5-lb. tin of crackers; 5 10-lb. sacks of dried beans; and various other items. 

We're going in full throttle. That oughtta keep those rabbits off our back. 

July 28, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 201 pounds of meat. 

I killed something… I killed something… la la la la I killed something…

July 29, 1848 

Came to Final Sweetwater River Crossing. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train. 

Decided to ford the river. 

It's still not sweet. 

July 30, 1848 

We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them. 

We talked to them. 

Saw a mountain lion not far from South Pass. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 156 pounds of meat. 

The trail brought us to Pacific Springs today. 

A sheriff stopped us, saying that a guy had stolen some stuff from a blacksmith. We all turned to Kikel. He insisted he hadn't stolen from the blacksmith, but the stableboy... 

July 31, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 189 pounds of meat. 

August 1, 1848 

Came to Dry Sandy. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 164 pounds of meat. 

But, there's water... 

August 2, 1848 

Nooned near ?Parting of the Ways?. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck. 

But, we're still all together. 

Unfortunately. 

August 3, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 100 pounds of meat. 

August 4, 1848 

The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to Haystack Butte. 

August 6, 1848 

We were fortunate to happen upon some wild fruit. We will stop and gather fruit. 

We gathered 8 pounds. 

Nice.

August 7, 1848 

There was a wedding in camp today not far from Green River. A joyous occasion in the wilderness! 

Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. 

August 8, 1848 

Today we have traveled 1,000 miles! 

Forgive me if I don't leap for joy. Bad back, you know.

August 9, 1848 

We have been traveling for 100 days, today. 

Today we reached Branley Pass. 

Commenced early today; saw Emigrant Spring. 

What IS the difference between an immigrant and an emigrant and does anybody care?

August 10, 1848 

Arrived at West End of the Sublette Cutoff. 

August 11, 1848 

Yaddle has cholera. I decided to administer laudanum. 

Stopped near Thomas Fork for a while. 

Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. 

Oh yeah, Yaddle got sick. 

Nobody really cared, but who would? Well, a mime might... 

August 12, 1848 

Today we saw Smith's Trading Post. How sublime it appears by moonlight. 

Oooo, I'm scared now! 

August 14, 1848 

Saw Soda Springs today. 

Reached Sheep Rock. Strangely beautiful country. 

Pepsi, please!

August 15, 1848 

We were fortunate to happen upon some wild vegetables. We will stop and gather vegetables. 

We gathered 20 pounds. 

August 16, 1848 

We were fortunate to happen upon some wild fruit. We will stop and gather fruit. 

We gathered 31 pounds. 

Fruits and veggies. Yum. 

August 17, 1848 

Jack happened today.

August 19, 1848 

We'll continue, despite the eternal mosquitoes. 

It's hard to spell musskeetoez.

August 20, 1848 

We found some wild fruit and decided to stop and gather fruit. 

We gathered 5 pounds. 

Traded 94 pounds of salted meat for 1 thermometer. 

Traded 439 pounds of salted meat for 4 boxes of 20 bullets. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 10 pounds of meat. 

Traded off meat. 

Know what that means, diary? 

GOTTA GO KILL SOMETHING TO COMPENSATE!!! 

August 22, 1848 

We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll wait for conditions to improve. 

August 23, 1848 

Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Fort Hall. 

Traded 174 pounds of salted meat for 3 blankets. 

Purchased 2 10-lb. sacks of salt. 

There was a FRENCHIE!!!! 

They're like atoms; they're everywhere! 

August 24, 1848 

Passed some time near American Falls. 

Passed some wind, too. It was mainly Kikel, however.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat the more you toot.

August 26, 1848 

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Raft River. 

Fording the river looks to be our best option. 

Today we drove our wagons and teams past California Trail Junction. 

Woohoo! We love you Californi-a!

August 28, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 56 pounds of meat. 

Must.... kill.... meat.... 

August 29, 1848 

I killed a baby bear. 

I'M SO SORRY, MR. MCGREGOR!!! 

"Who?" said Obi-Wan. "I have a strange connection with that name..." 

Qui-Gon said, "You have a strange connection with you teddy bear, but I don't voice it, now do I?" 

"Teddy bear, eh?" 

"Shut up, Kikel!!!" 

August 31, 1848 

Misplaced my guidebook at Caldron Linn today. Luckily we found it before leaving. 

Stupid guidebook taking evolution into it's own hands (even though it hasn't any) and sprouting legs and walking off. We chopped off its legs and ate them. Yummers.

September 1, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 184 pounds of meat. 

And I licked the blood from the wounds. 

Qui-Gon said, "You need help, buddy." 

September 2, 1848 

Played cards with Mr. Tillman today while nooning near Rock Creek. I suspect he cheats. 

Decided to ford the river. 

That --cking Mr. Tillman. He can go to Hell and back again. 

My mistake. We weren't nooning near Rock Creek. We were mooning, actually Kikel was, and Obi-Wan is suddenly spending more time with him now. Qui-Gon's jealous and is spending more time with me. I don't like it. I think Kikel should keep his butt to himself. 

September 4, 1848 

Rested for a time near Kanaka Rapids. 

Made it to Thousand Springs. 

Played cards with Mr. Tillman today while nooning near Upper Salmon Falls. I suspect he cheats. 

There's only like, five springs. 

Hey… It's like déjà vu all over again.

September 6, 1848 

The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to wait for conditions to improve. 

Qui-Gon said, "Pardon me while I barf up a lung."

September 7, 1848 

We found some wild vegetables and decided to stop and gather vegetables. 

We gathered 18 pounds. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 138 pounds of meat. 

Yummy vegetables. 

Let's kill something. 

September 8, 1848 

Passed some time near Three Islands. 

THERE ARE NO FRIGGIN' ISLANDS!!!

September 10, 1848 

Stopped near Bruneau Sand Dunes for a while. 

Obi-Wan said, "Tatooine is sandier than this." 

Qui-Gon said, "Tatooine sucks, you little bastard, and you know it!" 

"Well, I-" 

"Go off with your little friend now, I'm having plenty of FUN with Claude here." 

What fun? 

September 12, 1848 

The mosquitoes are driving us crazy, keeping us awake at night. We must continue. 

Passed some time near Bruneau River. 

Fording the river looks to be our best option. 

Bruneau is pretty. 

Like Kikel's bottom. 

It's also French. 

Like Kikel's bottom. 

September 13, 1848 

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Castle Butte. 

Kikel likes the Butte part. Somebody told him it's pronounced BYOOT, but he threatened him with a lightsaber (whatever that is). 

Obi-Wan was cowering with Kikel the other day. Conditions have not improved between he and Qui-Gon.

September 15, 1848 

We laid by today near Givens Hot Springs. 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 217 pounds of meat. 

Killed stuff. 

:) 

_September 19, 1848 _

_Came to East Cow Hollow. _

_Made it to Lytle Pass. _

_We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 224 pounds of meat. _

_I just got bitten by a wild animal. We're going to clean and dress the wound. _

_OWIE!!!_

_East Cow is the most dangerous spot of the Hollow. Even more dangerous than South Central. _

_It's not Little. _

_Oh, Lytle... _

_September 20, 1848 _

_As expected, we made it to Malheur River today. _

_Decided to ford the river. _

_Harrison Ford the river, that is._

_Ow. ow. ow. ow. _

_The Castle Aaarrrrgh. _

_I'm dictacting, if you can't tell. Obi-Wan's writing. He's got such lovely penmanship. _

_WHY THANK YOU, MISTER CLAUDE SIR. _

_You're welcome Obi-Wan. You wanna be my friend? _

_MAY I SEE YOUR UNMENTIONABLES? _

_Let's not mention that. _

_September 26, 1848 _

_Mr. Lumare figured we would reach Burnt River Canyon today, and he was right. _

_Stupid Frenchie._

_September 27, 1848 _

_It was extremely foggy early today. We figured it was best to slow down. _

_Heavy fog. _

_INDEED. _

_September 28, 1848 _

_Nooned at Flagstaff Hill. _

_Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are starting to make up. Morale is high. Kikel's been good. We're all wondering what he's up to. _

_October 1, 1848 _

_Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Grande Ronde River. _

_Fording the river looks to be our best option. _

_Oh, Ronde, oh, Ronde. _

_Kikel's been polishing my gun. He wants me to kill something. I want to kill something too. _

_October 3, 1848 _

_Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to try to clear the path. _

_Stupid rocks. _

_October 4, 1848 _

_We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 166 pounds of meat. _

_Must kill now. _

October 5, 1848 

Misplaced my guidebook at Emigrant Springs today. Luckily we found it before leaving. 

For a time today we feared we were lost. We were much relieved to find ourselves at an identifiable location, Deadman Pass. 

STUPID GUIDEBOOK!!!

Oh, and hunting cured me. 

Ahhh... 

I see dead people... 

Not Emigrants! 

October 6, 1848 

Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Doe Canyon. 

Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Umatilla Valley; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it. 

Doe. 

A deer! 

A FEMALE deer! 

October 7, 1848 

We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful. 

We found: 2 10-lb. sacks of salt; 1 hatchet. 

Commenced early today; saw Umatilla River. 

Fording the river looks to be our best option. 

Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Trail Junction at the Umatilla River. 

The Abandoned Wagon of No Return…

Bom Bom Bom…

October 8, 1848 

We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 194 pounds of meat. 

I killed. yum 

October 9, 1848 

We laid by today near Echo Meadows. 

Someone yelled and I was scared and Obi-Wan freaked out and Qui-Gon... erm... COMFORTED him. 

We all laid. And there was much echoing.

October 11, 1848 

Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Four Mile Canyon; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it. 

Four miles? 

THAT'S IT?! 

Another skull?!

October 13, 1848 

The wagon tongue broke. We will try to repair it. 

We were unable to make the repair. 

We were able to replace it from supplies. 

Boy, was THAT a thrill a minute.

October 14, 1848 

Rested the animals near McDonald Ford of the John Day River. 

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go. 

I wanted to go the Burger King Ford, but Obi-Wan wanted to go someplace Scottish.

October 15, 1848 

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Biggs Junction. 

Biggs Darklighter. 

October 16, 1848 

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Deschutes River. 

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go. 

_October 17, 1848 _

_We laid by today near The Dalles. _

_Claude died _

_I'm dead, but I'm writing through Obi-Wan's hand. He's aware of it… I think._

_YES, MISTER CLAUDE SIR, I AM QUITE AWARE._

_I tried to maneuver across the river and I drowndeded. My friend kept freaking out whenever I came close to a rock and that's rather distracting._

_I AGREE._

_Well, since I died, peace spread throughout the land. Kikel married Rita, Qui-Gon married Yaddle, and Obi-Wan married his reflectionf._

_THE HONEYMOON WAS SO VERY LOVELY._

_That's nice. Anyhoodles, remember: people don't die. They only slough off their mortal coils, run down the curtain, and join the bleedin' choir invisible. I am an ex-wagoneer._

_Happy trails everyone!_

_P.S. Oh, and in heaven, We get to see all the blockbuster YEARS before they're made. I've already seen the Final Digital Remastering of LOTR and the SW So-Special-It's-Peculiar Edition. In the latter, wild radioactive tangerines blow up the Death Star. Those crazy descendents of Lucas!___


End file.
